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cool! :)

i would put the name of my doctor, his website, and all the rest of his contact info on my website.
i mean, it's only fair to reciprocate some business back to him, don't you think?

i've long ventured from the stream-of-consciousness type blogs on xanga.  for whatever reason, myspace blogs seem more appropriate for those types of entries of which i am most proud of for their ambiguity and poetic, circularly-reasoning qualities.  facebook notes have been the medium of open communication - i can spam it, post it, put it as the first thing to be seen via newsfeed.  xanga though... it's gone from what i use myspace blogs for now to being truly an open avenue of where like-minded people view, lurk, occasionally comment, and constantly observe.  proceed with caution, please.

maybe it's time to bring it back a little bit towards what it used to serve for me.  i'm not entirely sure;  i have a ton of silly parameters that go through my head every time i write any sort of blog.  how should i punctuate?  Should I write properly like this?  no - the tone isn't as natural for me.  Typing like this is too stiff, too aware of the public... not enough introspection.  that's it.  Introspect is a lacking characteristic, for me, when I write this way.  i guess in my own brain i type in lowercase letters... and yet in moleskines abound, I handwrite like this.  haha.

i'm also too verbose.  people get exhausted from a simple glance at my blogs - sorry...!  you're reading the words of a girl who can sit at a computer all day long googling the random things that enter her brain while keeping at least five tabs open in the browser at all times.  for example, the google searches:  "history of wigs" [stemmed from a music history class;  i've always wondered why wigs of such monstrosities were so popular]; "define: monstrosity" [to make sure it's an actual word].  as for the tabs... it's a series of dated blogs belonging to another random individual.  people think i "know" a lot - the humble truth is that i observe human behavior and put my stalker qualities to good use.  think dexter, but stalker - not serial killer.  okay wait;  that's an awful comparison.  i think it's an awful comparison, anyway.

for the past three weeks, i haven't been able to do much except focus on the near-future.  which is a huge problem, believe me - when i begin to plan for my dreams i lose sight of the present and the actions i must carry through in order to even reach the future.  lost-in-dreamstate.  oops.  i think today is the first day i've been of any productive use in a long while.  i'm quite proud of myself.  high time for some local productivity, seeing as how i'm in "limbo" and every action i need to take has a certain executable time frame... and oh-blah.  everything is just a waiting game, from one event to another...

i'm also proud that i've always been able to find happy compromises between my dreams and practicality.  i need some grounds of practicality, given i can't even truly tell you what my dreams are just yet.  i need to be at a better vantage point in order to see exactly what the options are, what roads exist.  i just know the general direction of where i want to go - so let's take all the practicalities and capitalize on my knowledge of them.  and then cook up some mean stew of shawnysuperbness.  i guess i've always been good at realizing my own weaknesses and making workarounds for them.

And to stand on my own, to be strong enough to realize what I need and what I desire; what I will compromise to gain a pathetic semblance of what I need; to finally discover that no, I will never be satisfied and there will always be a part of me to compromise my own ideals and moral standards, whatever they may be, just to take a piece of something to show off or to prove to myself that I am worth something, that I am capable of something. But what are my own ideals? I have no moral standards, but I do have ideals; and yet I've been shown over and over again that my ideals are impossible. Impossible but now I see them for what they truly are; what they want, which is not so dissimilar to what I seek. But to remove layers upon layers of protective armour, to absolve not just another's but your own, and to do it together... most human beings either have not the brain capacity to know how, or in my case - are unsure of their own strength and if it is possible to accomplish all of that and still remain standing in the end when it is cause for celebration because you have succeeded. Do you sacrifice yourself for the mere possibility of happiness? What a silly question... but to actually mold those actions and ideals into certainty and persuasiveness, to have the guts to go for it and do it and risk failure...